As I sit here and write this piece I am in disbelief by the lack of time I have spent in my blogging. I have been going through so much but this has and will always be my outlet when stressed but without a computer this journey has been hard. My progress with my book has been halted because I only work on it when I have time. So on my off days I work on it at the library and on work days I work from work when time allows.
Things have really been off track but God is fixing it and fixing me all in one. I now record my thoughts for my book when I don’t have time to write and that’s a great help to me especially when trying to recover memories. Today was even more stressful because me and my nephew had an argument a few months prior and he said some really nasty things to myself and my son. It hurt because I had sent my son out there to help my nephew and to keep him from getting in trouble but he turned on us when I was trying to help. Well today my vehicle wouldn’t start and I was so frustrated, my mom kept letting my baby run out the house with no clothes on and he was already running a fever so I was super mad. I kept telling God that I trusted him and whatever it was that he was protecting me from I understood. I kept praying and trying to get out of the situation because God knows I have no one in my family I can truly depend on so I had to call my sister and I knew she would not come but this time she told me that my nephew had her car and would come to take me to work but he was taking his own sweet time and when he came he just looked at my car and asked me a bunch of questions now I was really mad. I was also mad at myself because I went to school for cars so this is something I should have been able to take care of on my own but God does everything for a reason. I called my boss to let him know I would be late and I was trying to find someone else to give me a ride but nothing was coming through. My nephew returned and boost my car off and it cranked. Here I was mad and tired and telling God I was done. He was up there laughing at me because this was another test.
God was making me be the bigger person and it was my nephew who came through for me. Me and my nephew just been passing by each other and God was showing me that I have to be like him and forgive if I want him to forgive me. I thought I had forgiven him but I was just keeping myself at bay but nothing had been forgiven because I wasn’t at a level where I felt comfortable speaking to him without thinking about the words he said and the threats he made.
Now financially I am on edge because bills are due and this job alone is not cutting it but I told God that if He did not send another job my way that I would suck it up and finish my book and etc. I am trying to get my foundation up and running and trying to get my business off the ground. Getting my business off the ground has been another journey because people ask me about it but then try it with another distributor. It’s like people can’t stand to support their own people and things. It’s ben crazy and a blessing all in one.
I really have to find a way to bury myself in the Lord’s words and moving forward in life. I get the feeling that it’s time to return to the church but I question if this is him or my lack of patience for him to finish molding me because he pulled from the church at one point and now it’s like I am ready to go back in because there is something I am suppose to take in from the pastor but not sure which direction to take so that is something I must fast about. Africa is still in my heart and I am still pursuing moving there but first I must get this visit out the way.
I still believe God has told me who my husband is but I am so eager and things. I have prayed and asked God to separate us if he’s not the one but he keeps coming closer and I have asked God a few other things to let me know if he is not the one but with each and every day things happen to make me fall for him more.
I really need to get focused. Well I just wanted to touch basis and things. I really miss blogging and reading everyone’s new blogs. Good luck and I will be returning soon. Blessings