Well it’s day 30 of my reading and tomorrow is the last day of the Proverbs challenge. I am very blessed to have taken part in this challenge and the things I have learned. I am even more blessed to be experiencing the changes the Lord is taking me through because with each step I learn something new about myself and God. I am growing as a child of God’s and I am thankful that he has blessed me accordingly.
I am learning that every thing will not come to me as I expect it to but it will come how God wish for me to receive it. I am still out of work right now but not down about it. I am able to fulfill my duties in the most rewarding job ever, being a parent. I am loving the time I get to spend with my boys and I can thank God for this extra time with them before school starts. This was a moment I almost missed out on because I couldn’t see past what I was expecting.
My eyes are finally open and aware that this may be my time to allow my mom to be in her own home with the help of my oldest. This will give us both the time we need away from each other and maybe the distance will bring us closer together. I know this will bring mixed feelings from her because she has been around my kids since birth but it is time we both grow. My mother has never really went through the empty nest stage. She will still not experience it because her grandson (my oldest) will still be living with her and he loves his granny.
I have started seeing a change in how my sister (birth) and I interact with each other. It’s a start in the right direction because from previous times we could not be in a room together. I guess you could say I was holding on to anger and resentment from the lack of protection from the monsters who raped and molested me. The Lord said forgive but I will not forget. I will be the bigger person but I will not subject myself or kids to any situation that is uncomfortable for me. So I am learning to be in her company under certain situations. Nevertheless, I did sit with her for a few hours.
I am still addiction free and tomorrow (Lord willing) it will be three weeks. I am proud of myself because I would usually give in around this time. It seems like forever but I know if I keep praying God will continue to help me stay free from dipping. I am so blessed to serve such an awesome God who not only love me but created me.
Now I need to stop cussing because I have a foul mouth. I admit that and I use a cuss word every minute I think or maybe even second but I am getting better. I am finding new words to use instead of cussing. I am like a drunk in a bar fight with his self and every word is a cuss word. I know this is one thing I can fight too with the help of the Lord. I am on my way to being a better person.
I also need to get my thinking together too because the thoughts I have when people irritate me is evil and cruel. Sometimes people can push me to the limit and back in the day I would be ready to put my hands on people and play out my thoughts on them. Now that I am going through my transformation I just have the thoughts and they are evil but I know I just need to take it all day by day because the Lord has been so great to me.
Things are stable and I am still standing in the Lord’s favor. I am forever grateful for the road the Lord has placed me on and the trials I am enduring because he is giving me the strength I need to endure each one and increasing my faith with every obstacle he helps me over.
My landlord still comes with her drama but it is not as bad as it was, she still hasn’t asked us to leave but I know the Lord has a plan for everything. Sometimes, I wish that I knew his plan but I never want to be on his level of thinking because he is greater than I. For if I knew everything then the urge to know him would disappear because he would be just like us.
I smile more because now my happiness comes from his love for me and what he is placing in my heart for others and my family. It seems like I have a boring
life to others but I am happy because this is the true me. I still have things that I am able to do that God allows but those things that are not in his favor I will not delight in. He has been weeding out the people who once called me friend and those family members who are not for me.
I am happy celibate and I cherish the time I have to myself. The current city I live in helps me keep myself together because nowadays most guys just want to sleep with you and it’s okay but not for me. So no matter how many try to sell me their idea of love I am fine until God sends me the real thing. I can use this time to become the Proverbs woman God has called us to be and if my Boaz has been written into God’s life plan for me then I know he’ll arrive in God’s time. He’ll be everything I need and want in a man but more importantly he’ll be the man of God that God made for me.
God will make a way for us all but we must have faith in Him. Faith is to believe in the impossible. I want you to know that no matter what you are facing God is with you and he can make a way. He will be with you every step of the way. I know he is walking before me through this life because he is removing any and all things/people who mean me no good.
I love you but God loves you more!