Well let me share this with you I had the scariest dream I think a mother could have. Apparently we were at a ball game and my 1yr old was supposed to be in the company of my mother but guess he had wandered off. As the game came to an end and people began to leave, I walk off the field only to see my baby stuck between a walk way and a 18 wheeler. He laid there lifeless, beaten black and blue from the people trampling over him and the truck squeezing him. His little body limp but breathing non the less. I remember someone saying it was just a dream and I could hear myself calling out to the Lord to please wake me up. I woke to him sleeping soundly and I woke him with me kissing him.
It’s those kind of dreams that forever haunt me because some of my dreams have come true in their exact format, so I try to share every dream I can remember that causes me great distress in hopes it’ll stay in dream land.
Well I’m feeling much better today despite my emotional roller coaster yesterday. I really dislike being in a room with someone who asks other people to ask you things when we’re all in the same room. That annoys me and it really shows me the type of people I am surrounded by. I also do not like a smart mouth kids, even if it is my own child. Well I ran into these problems but God is showing me a different way to handle things but I must admit when it came to my oldest I may have been in the wrong but his words during the conversation really got him in trouble. He loves my mother with every fiber of his being and I’m ok with that because I was 14 when I gave birth to him and she was a part of helping raise him but he has made her help a lot more significant than it is because his financial, emotional, physical and spiritual care came and comes from me. If I didn’t provide it, he didn’t have it but because of our relationship (my mother and I) he has always heard from her how I didn’t love him despite the actions I have shown him. I have no problem with this because I have learned when it all comes to the light sometimes it’s too late but we will see the truth. She’s the one he runs to when I have disciplined him or when he feels like he needs an alibi. Granny will give him that but as a single mother raising young black boys to become men. In this world today I can’t trust everyone to have a say in their upbringings. I know people have different feelings about the events happening in the news today but I am overwhelmed so much hatred and police brutality geared toward the black race and especially males. I don’t want my boys being a statistic or being a victim of racial prejudice or racial profiling. I have bent backwards to give my kids a life I didn’t have to achieve dreams I extinguished because I lost my way. It hurts to hear so much negativity from those close, when the world is already asking us to accept that being black is a cause for the brutality. I love my son but now is the time for him to see the truth through his mother’s eyes so I have been praying that God will guide him before it is too late.
Well my next mission has come and it is over due but as a mother I have allowed myself to stay in my comfort zone but now the Lord is taking to me through these unknown places. I must admit I’m a little nervous but I knew this day would arrive soon. It is time I separate myself from my mother. I love her but I know certain things we can not allow. We need our own space and now that she can be safe on her own with the help of my oldest I am ready. Now I am just waiting on the directions from my Lord to carry me through. This will be a journey to remember.
This will not take place soon because I am still in the current storm but it is almost over. I will be better because of this and I have learned enough to carry over into this next journey he has given me. My rent and bills will be paid and I will have a new job and everything will be okay. The Lord is making a way and I am rejoicing about it. So while I am coming to the end of this trial and God is given me my next mission I am praising him in the hall way. This has been epic because he has truly brought me out of a dark time and past.
I love you but God loves you more!