The Fifth Commandment say for us to honor our mother and father!
This is a commandment I often find myself struggling with but I have learned to cope even when times are hard. You see my mother and I have never been close even as far back as I can remember. Some would say I have the perfect relationship with her but others know that it’s more than that. We’ve been separated since my birth and I’ve learned to accept her for who she is. Here’s a little bit of my upbringing.
I was raised in a single parent home with a brother and sister. My father was murdered when I was only two, so I was left with just my mom. I wasn’t among the favorite although I was the baby but it was actually quite the opposite. I was the black sheep not for nothing I had done but because of the lifestyle my father led. My mother blamed me for the actions of my father and when he passed away she said she lost her opportunity of being married. I guess loving the child born to a gigolo wasn’t in her plans.
I always heard the story of how she only wanted two children and I was the accident. After my brother was born my mom found out she was pregnant for the first time by my father but due to some complications she lost that baby. Well before her healing period was up she was told she had gotten pregnant with me and she said by that time she had found out how much my father actually got around. They fought constantly and argued even more but she claimed to have loved him.
I don’t have many fond memories with my mother but I can always tell you of the many times she’s let me down. I often discuss my rape with the public through my writing but my story didn’t stop there. I remember how our home was always opened to the public, my sibling’s friends and strangers. My brother friends included a few creeps who would try to sneak into my room but I truly had angels looking out for me. I remember a night when one of his friends tried to slide into my room and my door slammed shut and locked. He got spooked and refused to stay at our house again but he never told my mom what he was doing that cause the door to shut on its own. It was my guardian angel keeping me safe. My mom never cared to hear the story.
I can recall how I use to punish myself by grounding myself and taking away my own privileges because I had no rules or regulations growing up in our home. I came and went as I pleased and she could literally care less. I received a check from my father’s death monthly and I always heard about it. We would argue constantly over that stupid check but to me it was the only way I could get a reaction out of her. She could sit for hours and talk to my siblings and their friends but she never had time for me. We’ve never had a mother and daughter bond and it’s what I craved the most.
I would stay with friends because their mothers gave us rules and actually paid attention to the things we did and although they weren’t my mom, for a moment someone cared for me. I got in trouble at their homes and I got disciplined. They fed me and gave me a place to stay but offered more than my mother did. I learned that I was more accepted than I was in my own home.
At home I felt alone, abandoned, loveless and confused. My mom was so protective of my siblings and it was evident in all she did. They got her time, her dedication, protection and all. Every time my brother got in trouble my mom was right there to bail him out or to keep money on his books. She even gave most of her income to get him a lawyer and despite his choices she always was ready to battle his wars. My sister got the same devotion. When she was ALMOST raped my mother had her at the hospital and pressed charges on the guy who attacked her. She was their mother but to me she was the foster parent God chose for me.
I remember telling people I was adopted and one day my family was coming back for me. I just never fitted in with my biological family. My mom wasn’t there when I was raped, molested or hurt. When I was raped I was blamed and he was praised. When I was molested it was because I always out and I could protect myself. My molestation started at 11 and didn’t stop until I was 16. The people who molested me knew I would always be in their presence because she never would look for alternative care for me.
I remember when I brought my first male friend home, my mom was ok if he bought for her no matter how they treated me. When those I dated did nothing for her they were no good for me and she would call me every name under the sun. She even got to the point where she would tell my son that I did not love him or care for him. It’s funny because I remember the many guys that came to our home and how I would be encouraged to call them my father but I never indulged in their wants because in my head I had no father and they were not even qualified.
The most hurtful thing my mom ever done to me was when I met my other son’s father and he moved in with us. I paid the most bills and the house payment but my mother was with me. We found out I was pregnant and my mom didn’t like him at all. She claimed he was trying to take me away from her but the truth is she no longer got under my skin the way she use to and it bothered her because she knew if I left her my siblings wouldn’t care for her. My sister had already abandoned her except during those times when she needed her for financial gain, or to run away with her from her abusive husband. My brother was locked up and she only heard from him when he needed money on his books or when he felt like the correctional facility he was in wasn’t providing justice for his condition. Anyways, I was pregnant and my mom and I had just finished arguing about him living with us and how the house we lived in was bought by her daughter for her. Truth was she did but she had stopped paying for a long time ago and I had to take over or lose the home my mom stayed in. So I moved back and started where she stopped. Anyways during the argument she told me she hoped I died along with the child I carried. I won’t lie I prayed that night for one of us to die, as tears streamed from my face.
A few days later I was in the kitchen while she was cleaning. While standing there I just started bleeding and it frightened me because I thought God had granted her wishes. I was seven months pregnant at the time and as I called for the ambulance I’ll never forget the scare in my heart that I was losing my son. Although he was early and had some complications he survived. Turned out I had some large blood clots behind my placenta and they started to burst and I got to the hospital just in time to save us both. See God saved me again from the weapons another took against me. I stayed by my son during his month and a half stay in the hospital and every day it played in my head her words.
My mother showed me the mother I didn’t want my kids to have but I turned into her for a period in my life but when I found God, he fixed the image my son saw. She did do things for me but it always seemed to come with a price. She took care of my kids so I could work and I didn’t need strangers watching my kids. I was paranoid about them being abused in all forms. She taught me how to be strong because I saw her raise three but with all I had to endure I learned how tough I was. The people who were around me and the new faces I didn’t allow my kids to see. If I dated, we dated but no phone calls or appearances to my home. I had more respect for myself and especially my boys. I never wanted them seeing “traffic” at their moms door and I never wanted them to get the wrong idea about women.
I tell them I love them, I hug them and kiss them until they got to old to give mommy kisses. (lol) I spend time with them and play with them. My kids know I love being their mom but I do discipline them for bad behaviors and make school appearances for the good and bad days. I help with homework and defend their honor. The greatest blessing and joy that God has given me besides his love and my life is my kids. I use to want a daughter but I do understand why she did not come. God knew her life would not be good, I would have protected her with my all. Certain family would not be allowed around her and I would worry constantly about her. So God saved me once again but this time is was by preventing me from destroying my daughter’s life.
My mother still leaves with me and no I’m still not her favorite but the only one who cares enough to help. It was by the grace of God that I have been able to forgive my mom. We still have bad days because I still get talked about and lied too but I learned God only gives us one mother and despite her actions she’s still my birth mother. She still tell my business to those I wish to know nothing about me like her sister. My aunt treated me very bad as a child, denied me from attending my cousin’s funeral and called me a bitch and my mom was ok with that.
Today, I am thankful for my mom because she showed me the type of mom I wish not to be. Despite all she says about me in front of my kids, they know their mom and her lies are exposed. I no longer have to fight with her to prove anything because she does it all on her own. My sister still comes around when in need and she is helped. My brother still calls when he needs money and is helped. I remember my elders use to say,” that person you’re mistreating will one day have to be the one to bring you a drink of water.” Meaning that person you’re doing wrong may have to help you one day when the rest of the world and those you love turn their backs on you.
God has given me marvelous testimonies and I am so glad about it. My oldest son is the second of grand kids to graduate but he did it as an honor student with many accomplishments. He loves my mom and there’s nothing he won’t do for her but he has a right to and I will never take that away from him. She is not as good with my other three but I won’t broke a bond shared. My sons are my life. Being their mother has given me a different outlook on life.
The devil came recently and tried to distract me from God’s word. I am struggling right now financially and it’s been pretty rough and although we are not out the storm I was hurting more. I was crying constantly feeling like a failure because I was unable to meet their needs and provide the life I felt they deserved. I was ill, barely working, had lost my car, and bills were stacking up and no way to pay them. The devil told me it would be better for my kids if I put them up for adoption because I was a failing parent and they could have a better life with two people who could provide for them. I was preparing myself for this but God said I did not send you that message. I am asking you to believe in me because greater things are coming and I will provide for you all. I am the Lord almighty and I will give you strength just hold on. Well he has given me strength and I am holding on to his words.
I love being a mom but if that was a message give by the Lord I would have done it to make sure my boys never have to experience the life I have had and to protect them. I would sacrifice myself for them, because that’s what being a mom is all about. Some days are harder than others but I know God will provide and fulfill the things he’s promised. I am not a perfect mother but I love my four unconditionally. My mother taught me a lot whether she was there or not. I have forgiven her because of my love for God I will honor her. I love her because she is still my mother and no matter what happened in our past I had to move on. Some days are better than others and we may find moments of laughter but some days I have to pray harder to get through.
I do not date, I do not go out with friends or family. I am always home when not at work, I do not drink or do drugs. If I want to go somewhere every now and again I am questioned and if I can feel an argument arising I usually cancel my plans. However, as mentioned above our door is always open. Without hesitation everyone can drop their kids off to enjoy a moment of rest but I know God sees everything and he’s working it all out in my favor. I am a stay home mother who works but I love my kids. I know that my mother and I will never have that mother and daughter bond but I have that with my Lord. I know who I am in my mother’s eyes and I am now okay with that because I know who I am in my Lord’s heart. I will honor and love her until the day I die. I have brought her, her roses while she is alive so when our time comes God knows I loved her and did what he asked of me.
I will not allow her to distract me and I know that my God will strengthen me during this time. I do not have my father but I grew up with my mother. We don’t all have a perfect family but through it all we have a Perfect God. I know I am the Daughter of a King and despite what I face here on Earth he loves me and this is only temporary.