Dating

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Ladies I know many of us seek to find true love but we settle for the gesture!

I’ll elaborate: I was once in love with a man I thought was perfect for me! He had a job, car, seemed to love me and my son and nothing negative seemed to flow from him. He knew the Bible and quoted scripture very well and I was impressed by him. He even loved my niece who was always with me at the time. I ready the cover but not the book!

Later, this same guy showed his true colors. The first time was when I left the state I was in to visit my mom  and upon my return it became clear who I was dealing with. He was upset because he had lied about his job. Yes, he worked but his title was totally different then what he had previously stated. Now he’s made because I made more money than him, his car belonged to a friend and also he lived in her home but claimed it as his own. This man decided to share that he did not graduate nor did he have a GED. Being the woman I was I offered to help him get on his feet because I never looked at material things as a sign that a guy was quality. He started to be verbally abusive and then it turned physical. I tried to break it off with him but he still had some pictures of me and my son so as we talked and things I asked for the pictures back since we were going our separate ways and he gave them back but as I got in my car to leave his anger turned to rage because he said I was taking the most important things out of his life. He picked up a cinder block and threw it but luckily I was already in my car and it only damaged my hood. Yes, he was very apologetic the day afterwards but I was already afraid of him and the situation.

I say all this because we must take the time to really look into the people we decide to date. They say you can’t tell the contents of the book by reading its cover and it’s true. I had to open my eyes to the man in front of me. I have always been the type of person that wanted to be courted and I didn’t want to give a man my body unless we were saying I do but things changed and I allowed society to change my perception of what I wanted. We have to take actions to truly set ourselves back on the pedal stool that God placed us on from birth. We are Queens. This man seemed great but he had some serious issue that he needed to deal with before he was ready to be the man a woman needed. I have seen a lot of woman go through abuse constantly telling themselves that things will get better.

When you are dating a man and he is showing you who he is believe him. You were not put on this earth to be walked upon by a man. You are not a punching bag or a woman to be subjected to any abuse physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. You are the daughter of the most high God and is he didn’t start your life with abuse please let no man introduce you to it. Nothing in your life built you for the type of war that abuse puts you in. God made woman from man’s rib to be by his side, not to be head of, or to be walked on. This message alone tells you how important you are to God. Think about it God made man from dust but you were so special to the life of man, that God put him to sleep and took you from his body to be his helpmate.

I know some may say but who is she to say these words and I say I am a woman who has lived the life and I learned that God loves me. I knew that despite what happened in previous households whether my own or others I saw that someone loved me greater than this and I was ready to be free. A man/woman who is abusive usually have seen it in their homes. I did! This is not a sign to carry it into our own. These type of people want control over you and it’s not their right. They use abuse, brainwashing as means to get you to do what they want you to do. Many will prevent you from corresponding with others, timing you on outings and controlling what you wear and each of us are individuals. You have already been raised but you have to learn who you are and the things you are willing to accept and abuse of any kind should not be one of those things.

My last relationship took me through the wringer. I had been hearing my friends and family say I had to high of standards and I should come down. I didn’t date criminals, it just wasn’t for me and because of how fast I grew up I didn’t date guys my age. Needless to say I took their advice and dated a guy close in age (2 yrs younger) and he had a record. Well we started off good, he ended up moving in with me, got his self a well-paying job and was making moves in his life. He was a star basketball player and it almost took him to the NBA. Well two years after dating he needed to fulfill a void in his life that he felt jail had taken from him. I saw the good in him and I was willing to work with him toward building a better life. I had endured a rough life so I knew if he tried his life could be better.

He took me through it because shortly after getting on his feet he started cheating. He kept saying it was the way I treated him and I admit sometimes maybe I did try to push him to be what I saw him being but it was no excuse for his infidelity. I worked on me and we started going to church together. Things seemed to be going in the right direction. He loved my son and did a lot with him. My son was his world! He kept cheating and was taking each female in public as if he was not in a relationship. I even found out later that he was taking my son around these girls. He even had the opportunity to play for the Spurs and threw it all away for the “streets, friends, females and hustle.” I later found out he quit his job although he got up every morning and put on his work clothes and came in at the same time every day. I was the type to discuss anything I had an issue with, with the person it was with. So I discussed his cheating and other discretion with him first and I let every female know he was in a relationship. Well they didn’t care they were invested in the image he portrayed, one that I had built because at this time the only thing he had been a prepaid phone and the clothes on his back but these females saw the things I provided.

He started to build off their lack of self-esteem and his friends words of how bad of a woman I was for wanting him to enjoy his family more than them and he was blind because he was trying to fill his void. I started to do things I said I would never do as a woman. I started asking his whereabouts, checking phones and other gadgets that where in my home that he could use to chat with these people. I started fussing and cussing with these girls and rally allowing myself to be taken out of my norm. Well he ended up doing jail time not once but four times and I started to think how did I allow some man take me down a path that was not laid out for me. Did I love him? Yes, but I was not his wife even though we had often discussed marriage and even went as far as planning and buying for our wedding but we never walked. I had people looking at me discussing the things he was doing and with who while I was home taking care of my home and those in it. I had to check myself and regroup. God was trying to separate us and I was trying to hold on thinking things would get better.

Ladies, arguing with another woman about a man in our life is pointless. First, the man/ woman know where they want to be. (I’m sorry I am writing this but this is for women and men so forgive me if I consistently say one over the other but I am writing from viewpoint.) They know who they are in relationships with and it’s not the responsibility of the other person in that triangle to care about our feelings or home. Although, if other men and women would choose to not allow themselves to be in relations with other people who have significant others it would make things a little different or if they put themselves in the person’s shoes this world would be a better place. Second, if the men/women in relationships cared enough about you this would not even be a topic because when you love someone you don’t intentionally cause hurt to those you love. Third, if you allow herself to be face to face with another about your mate then what does that really say about you because you determine your worth. Sometimes God tries to separate what is not supposed to be joined together. Let that man/woman go because they are not meant for you. Hurt and pain does not come with love.

You have to love yourself enough to let someone go when they are not being the man or woman for you. When you have given your all and that person is cheating on you or abusing you in any way walk away. Grab a friend or family member and run. Yes, they’ll come back and sweet talk you but you have to know that if a man/woman ain’t willing to let you go while they fix themselves then it’s a sign they’re not made for you. They would willing sacrifice your love to truly get the help they need to fix themselves. Sometimes a cheating individual is only holding on to you while they search for something better. Many abusers that hit you are only needing to be in control.

An abuser who really wants help will decide to let you be happy alone while they get the counseling or whatever they need to help them be a better person for themselves and you. They would seek guidance before they continue to destroy you, them and any kids involved in the equation. Abuse not only affects you, them and the kids but it also affects the family and friends around you both. Family members want better for you both and if you have strong family ties then it lessens the chances of others getting hurt by trying to rescue you. I see so many people losing their lives behind abuse. It’s not worth but we have to stand up and get help to free ourselves from those who attack those they say they love. God did not place you here for that reason. You were made to be loved and to love.

A cheater will continue to cheat until he/she gets help. They have to realize what it is they put at stake to play the field. They have to be ready to give up a life style to love one person. Cheating plays with all of the party involved hearts and kids. As stated above most cheaters are seeking something better than what they have. It can be feelings, another mate, to fulfill a void or just to have multiple partners but whatever the case it is not justification for playing with the hearts of people. We have to understand that we deserve to be the only one in the heart of someone else. We have to know who we are and what we want in life. Set standards for yourself and hold to them because if another person sees they can run over you they will. Be the person you want to attract and accept nothing less. Now, I’m not saying make a list with a million things on it but place your top 8 things down and pay attention to the person who applies to be in your life.

I know I love God so I want a God-fearing man in my life. I want a man who knows the Lord and is not afraid to praise him. Someone who goes to church and worship. I want a man who prays during the good and the bad. One who can lead our household as God has called him to do. It took awhile for me to actually get myself together. Relationships can have you hated a gender but not all men are dogs and not all women are h***. There’s good in every gender but we have to be willing to hold people accountable and not settle for less.

It starts with first loving ourselves and then deciding with a clear heart and mind what we want and don’t. They say every guy has a help mate and I believe this to be true but we have to allow God to guide us and perfect us for our mate. Things don’t happen overnight and I don’t think love should be one something that does. Love is a choice and we have to have our eyes open to see the one designed for us. I hope you have enjoyed this but I hope you take something away with you as well. May God bless you!

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