Lord, it’s hard and sometimes I want to give up and throw in the towel. Sometimes, I want to cry and just scream at the world but even then no one would listen. Sometimes, I sit and think how different life would be if life turned out different. Growing up in a home were you’re missing out on love from being the misfit you start to question why you exist. Sad how many people thought I had the good life because material things was available but little did they know I craved the love the most.
A child growing up never knowing she’s loved because of the people in her home. Seeing how the ones that was suppose to protect left her to defend herself while they focused on others. Tears came regularly and so did pain. How can the ones who’s suppose to love you cause you the most pain? Heart break started early because my heart was broken from the moment I knew right from wrong. I grew up wanting myself to be better than those around me but I was lost in the way of life.
I hurt daily from words said, actions taken and the reminder that I was nothing. I’ve always wanted to give up but something in me was determined to fight. I don’t know love so why search for what I have never had. Fighting to fit in, in a world where I don’t belong. Imagine a child so eager for parent she parents herself. Telling friends how she’s grounded for things she feels she’s done wrong but a parent who says just the opposite.
I was broken as a child, fatherless because of death but my mother just doesn’t want to notice me because I wasn’t in her plans. I wanted to give up but I kept pushing on. Seeing your mother interact with her other kids showing love and care but when it comes to you there’s nothing there. You get use to being in the dark, alone and neglected. You start to look at friends who’s mother was there and envy the relationship they have. Now being away from home is better than being there.
Seeing the protection you need given freely to your oldest siblings you start to resent them all. Why have you been abandoned when you’re the smallest one? Hearing how one can talk about you like a dog but the negative words toward the others got checked in seconds because no one dared to disrespect the ones you love. To allow someone to hurt your child and act as if nothing is wrong.
Lord, I’ve always held you close in heart but it’s true some days I wanted to give up!